I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
