There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
the liver wants what the liver wants
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
