watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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