I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Randomize