swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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