i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
