I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
