remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
