Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
