If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
