You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I hope mine doesn't look like that
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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