I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
ps... at the end of one of the videos you yell "let's do the eiffel tower again.. i'll be in the middle!" .. i almost died lolol
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
