Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize