Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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