Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Randomize
