I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
