I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
