It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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