why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
