Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
It's never too late to be topless.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
