I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
