i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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