you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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