Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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