this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
