I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
