kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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