sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Blood and glitter go together right?
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Randomize
