They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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