hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Randomize
