I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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