If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
