Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Randomize