upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
