every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize