i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
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