My Higher Power is John Stamos
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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