i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
