he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
