I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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