DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
