I'm eating all of the evidence.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
FUCK WHALES
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
