she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
