I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
