i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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