hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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