last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize