He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Randomize
