i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Randomize
