I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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