Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Randomize
