I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
