Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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