got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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