I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
