i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
