Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
