I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
She has the best kind of daddy issues
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
