Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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