So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Randomize
