ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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