new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
