you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
