you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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