dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
