I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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