dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
