Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
handjob tips. give me some.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Randomize
