Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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