everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
