The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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