I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
you inspire me to be a worse person
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
